Top 5 Men L would marry in a heartbeat (in no particular order)

Every person has their list of Top 5 people they would marry if given the chance. I decided to compile a list of the top 5 men I would marry in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself. I will warn you, a lot of time and thought has gone into this, many drafts were made of the list, and my apologies to those that did not make it.


In terms of the qualifications to make the list, I am a complete sucker for someone that makes me laugh. I don't care how attractive you are, if you have no personality and can't make fun of yourself, you're dead to me. You could put some gorgeously chiseled man with washboard abs, perfectly shaggy hair, and biceps that make you just want to hold on while you're getting railed...but if he has the personality of a cardboard box, I would pass. Now, put a slightly pudgy, decent looking, scruffy faced guy with a killer personality and comedic timing...I'm in the sack with him in t-minus 10 seconds. Add to that any musical ability, 2 seconds to sack time. I know a lot of people say looks aren't everything and they are full of shit. Looks are what make you walk over and strike up a conversation with a guy, personality is what makes you stay, give your number and share your bed (most of the time). Sure, the average looking funny guy doesn't always get the girl right away, but he wins out in the end, because he gets this girl right here.

Without further ado, here is my list. (Side note: I have not gotten laid in some time, so I will try to spare you the details of my fantasies, however I may get carried away with some things. I am trying to sensor myself and not scare you off. Perhaps you will see me differently after this. My apologies.)


1. Adam Carolla:

I have loved him since Love Line and The Man Show. My dream job was to be one of the girls in the german get up that served everyone in the Man Show audience beer, getting slapped on the ass by Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla. I know that is setting the women's movement back about 200 years, but I can't help it. Carolla's sarcastic, jack-ass humor just completely turns me on. Looks are nice, but if you can make me laugh and debate about whether or not catching a punch thrown at your face is a legitimate thing to want to do before you die, I am putty in your hands. I listen to the Adam Carolla show religiously, download every podcast I can, and dream about him calling me babydoll while just sodomizing me (not sodomize...I admit that is a bit strong and totally sick. Please still be my friend, I'm really only kidding. I'm not into hard core S&M...I have no whips and chains). To top it all off, he is a manly man, can build things, fix things around the house. I just love him. Bottom line.

2. Dave Grohl

In addition to being funny, if a guy can play the guitar, his hotness increases significantly. If he is funny, can play guitar AND drums AND sing, I cream my pants instantly. Enter Dave Grohl. Hearing him scream in "Best of You" makes me want to throw my panties on stage and scream "I want to have your babies!" without any shame what-so-ever. The fact that he dresses in drag in his videos is hilarious, and that he can pull off the long haired, bearded rocker look and still make me want to bone him is something I love. I'm not one for facial hair and long hair on guys, but for him, I'm totally ok with that. My fantasy night with him would be to go to small Foo Fighters concert...scratch that, a private concert in my bedroom, and he would serenade me with an acoustic version of "Everlong" followed by "Walking After You" and finish up with "Best of You". You all know what would follow. God bless musicians

3. Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy

My idea of a perfect lunch hour at work is listening to the Adam Carolla show via the Internet, eating my tuna salad wrap and reading the Sports Guy on ESPN.com. This guy cracks me up and I find myself drawn to him despite the fact that he is a devout Boston Sports Fan who hates the Steelers. I'm ok with that because he understands how the love of a sports team works, and accepts anyone who isn't a front runner. He is another sarcastic, hater who has an entertaining writing style. He talks about drilling the love of Patriots into his children, swearing to disown them if they like any sports teams that don't hail from Beantown. I share this passion, and if any of my future children choose to go to Penn State, they will be dead to me for the 6+ years (because that's how long it takes to get a worthy degree from Penn State) and then I will force them to get a degree from Pitt before I allow them back in my house. That's extreme...perhaps I will just make it known that they aren't my favorite child and beat them down mentally, royally screwing them up for life. The Sports Guy would understand where I am coming from, and therefore, is an ideal candidate for my future spouse.

4. Larry Fitzgerald

This is the only person on this list that I have actually met, although I'm sure it wasn't as memorable for Larry as it was for me. Of course, being at Pitt at the same time as this superstar, I knew what a big deal he was on the football field, and watching #1 run and leap into the air, catching impossible passes thrown by Rod Rutherford though a tailgated-beer haze was what occupied the better part of my Saturdays throughout the first few years of college. The fateful day that cemented his place in my top 5 was when I was walking into the Cathedral of Learning for my Literature and Shakespeare class, not paying attention, and someone a few yards ahead of me was waiting, holding the door open. I hurried my step, looked up to say thank you to the gentleman (because they are very rare these days) and who does it turn out to be? Larry Fitzgerald. He flashed me his signature smile, tosses his adorable dreadlocks off his face and I melted, mumbled something about thanks and what a great game he played that weekend, and somehow stumbled off to class. Now, watching him in the Superbowl play against my beloved Steelers, I couldn't help but silently cheer for #11. I cried during his ESPN interview when he talked about his mother dying and how he hasn't cut his hair since her death while I was running on the treadmill at the gym. I have contemplated just showing up at his place in Arizona and setting up a month long tailgate to demonstrate my love for him.


5. Jack Black

All he needs to do is sing "Fuck her Gently" while rocking out on his guitar and I'm putty in his hands. I first fell in love with him when I saw him in my favorite movie, "High Fidelity". Now, don't get me wrong, John Cusack's character is brilliant and has some of the greatest movie quotes of all time ("some people as far as your senses are concerned just feel like home), but he gets a bit whiny. Black's musical snobbery and sarcastic wit draw me in from the beginning that by the time he belts out my favorite version of "Let's get it On" (sorry Marvin Gaye), I am ready to run away with the half pint stocky funny man and live out my years in vulgar hilarity.


There is a common thread here with my dream men...I love the sarcastic humor that certain guys bring to the table. I feel that when you can get in on with a guy and burst out laughing when a position doesn't quite work right, or a funny sound is made, that is real intimacy; and I feel that these types of guys are the ones that bring that to the table.

LOVE!