The Office: Science Style

I’ve only been working for literally three months, but there are fundamental rules that I’ve learned so far that are necessary for succeeding:

1. A young, single female is seen as one of the following: pathetic, competition, fresh meat, or a mistress.
2. There is a difference between “real world hot” and “research hot”. God help you if you are “real world hot” in the research world.
3. Just because a man is married does not in any way mean that he will not hit on you.
4. Other single females in the office will shun you for any given amount of time, and you either desperately try to gain their approval or shun them right back…both of which are frowned upon.
5. When talking to a fellow employee who happens to be a younger married man, you will be rumored to be his mistress by the following week. Continue this friendship, and you will be known as “the whore trying to break up the marriage” (see Ex3)
6. No one will truly value your intelligence or experience until long after you’ve left or had a significant breakthrough which will inevitably be said you only got in pure luck.
7. No friendships or alliances can be made at work for fear that you will be voted off the island (see Ex4)

Now that I’ve stated the rules, let me share with you a few key experiences, all of which are making me count down the days until I’ve fulfilled my contract and can move onto another job. (Side note: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of my fellow employees, who will probably never read this.)

Ex1: Luigi, an off the boat Italian man, who sports no wedding ring, yet has pictures of his wife and kids plastered all over his cube. Within the first week, finds out I’m Italian, offers to teach me Italian in exchange for me running experiments for him (which is my job). Fast forward to Month #2, Luigi asks my boss if I like what I’m doing because he wants me to join his group seeing as I have all this experience in protein purification, exactly what his group does. However, he phrases it in such a way that my boss feels he’s interested in things aside from my research experience. Now, Month #3, Luigi tells me we should get together outside of the work place.

Comments: Straight off the boat Italian men are known for looking, being suggestive and testing the waters to see if they can dock their boat. Silly me, I was under the impression that in a professional environment, this type of blatant pick-up would not happen. Now, I am well aware that he in not at all interested in my brains, but only getting into my pants.

Ex2: Brett, a fellow researcher, is 29, married and a father of 2 boys with a girl on the way. He has been nice to me from my first day, acting like a big brother, looking out for me, informing me who I need to stay away from, etc. It was very refreshing to feel as though I made an actual friend, and he wasn’t just some other guy trying to get in my pants. We talk about sports, the other people in his group, his kids, and he gives me advice about the guys I meet, while I entertain him with crazy stories of my single girl exploits (censored for the work place of course!) Into month 3 of employment, Brett has been pulled aside and lectured about how he’s married and I’m the devil because I’m single and we talk.

Comments: Apparently, if I had started work with a ring on my finger, things would be completely different for this situation. I don’t think anything short of a steel force chastity belt would stop Luigi up there in Ex 1. Bottom line is that no one really knows me, but no one is trying to get to know me either. Since Brett has taken the time to try to get to know me and we have similar interests, of course we are having an affair.

Ex3: I’m going to do a combo here. Wendy, ring leader of the happy hour crew, didn’t want to put me on the email list because I was a younger version of her: brunette, cute, single and still in my 20s. She hated me off the bat because I went to Pitt (she, Penn State), I’m a Steelers fan (she, Eagles)…Ladies and Gentlemen, meet my arch nemesis. Next we have Ben, the token single guy that attempts to hook up with any new girl. First happy hour I went to, he wanted to kiss me while attempting to feel me up after we were a few drinks deep. I declined the offer, but hoped it wouldn’t make things at the office awkward. Fast forward to month 2 where he told me that the only reason I got my job was because I was hot…and this was said to my boss as well.

Comment: I know what you’re thinking…I’m probably strutting around the office, flaunting the goods, offering it up to any guy that walks by. You could not be more wrong. I have been quiet and reserved which for those that know me, is quite challenging. I dress work appropriate and if I could rock a hoodie and jeans everyday, I would faster than Octo-mom would accept welfare.

Ex4(maybe my favorite thus far): I got a white board in my cube. Brett, being the nice guy that he is, gave me some extra markers that he had. My boss ordered me markers (I don’t have ordering rights yet, but that’s a whole other can o’ worms), and he ‘surprises’ me by bringing them by my cube. He sees that I have some markers and an eraser, asks in an accusatory fashion where I got them. Apparently I blushed, and told him Brett had some extras that he gave me. Bossman got extremely awkward, mumbled something about it not being right that those markers came out of someone else’s budget, and walked away. Now, these markers, probably cost $4. I write Brett an email warning him of the situation and that I returned the markers to appease my boss. Next morning I come in to receive a nasty email from my boss, saying he expects 3 things from me: 1-loyalty, and for me not to make allegiances elsewhere; 2- strong work ethic; 3- complete honesty because he doesn’t like being blind sided by things. Remember, this was about MARKERS!

Comments: …….MARKERS! So, I’ve realized that I cannot talk to/befriend anyone at work without my boss feeling like I’m making some kind of alliance. Am I on Survivor? My boss then got offended because he said he felt he was helping to ease my transition into the work place by the following: Forcing my arch nemesis to put me on the happy hour list not realizing that she hates my guts; telling me that he wants me to have a friend at work so I have someone to talk to, but apparently that can’t be Brett; not seeming to understand that its hard being the new person that is shunt and doesn’t feel like she belongs anywhere so she hides in her cube or the lab all day.

I have a mantra that I repeat everyday: I AM HAPPY TO HAVE A JOB.


LOVE!