Friend Me

(Pardon the interruption, we'll return to our
regularly scheduled bloggalicious topics once this small rant is over)

It seems like everyone has one these days. You have one, your friends, siblings, co-workers , even your crazy Aunt Eileen has one. No, no, I'm not talking about a ShamWow. I mean a Facebook account. What once started as a tool for college-age students to connect and unite in common interests (beer, partying..random hook-ups), has now become the electronic version of the paper note passed in classrooms across the nation asking such crucial questions as: will you go out with me/be my lab partner/do you think he/she's cute, complete with the following options: "yes, no, or maybe".

I'll admit, I enjoy me some Facebook. It's quick, convenient, and a great way to reconnect or keep in touch with friends/family when you're living miles apart or too busy with job/school/new baby to kick it out school and send out a note or card. However, being of a certain age, I've seen where Facebook has been, and I'm a little concerned as to where it's going...especially for those folks out there who like to partake in the following:

1) You're practically nude in your profile picture.
So, the other day I get a friend request. Like a true addict I sign on to find out who has taken the time to hunt me down and wants me to join their inner circle of trust. Well, turns out it's someone from my high school that I am aware of, but don't actually know very well...not now, and not even when I was in high school. I let the request sit considering if I really care to know what this person is doing. The "friend" must have sensed my hesitation because in the days shortly after, the profile pic was abruptly changed from a updated head-shot to a picture showing a young woman dressed in a red teddy complete with seductive pose over a wooden chair. She wasn't exactly rockin it Victoria Secret Style, it was more like "my uncle took these of me while in his cabin in the woods...tee-hee." First, if we're going to be friends, I think I should probably know more about your full name than your crotch. Call me old-fashioned, but that's just how I roll. Second, I'm not sure if this was an attempt at seduction or something to whet my appetite for her coming-soon porn production company. I need "friends" like this about as badly as a good case of athlete's foot.

2) I know what you're doing...all the time.
It can be fun finding where people are headed or what they're up to. "Headed to Matt's party! Weekend roadtrip! Tailgate at 3pm, see you there!" It's just that I really don't care to know that you've just had a really good bowel movement, picked up some cream for your rectal itch, or decided on the perfect pair of socks to where to work. If I wanted intimate details, I could go all Marc Anthony on your ass and say "I need to know." But alas, unless you've just swallowed a cool million and anticipate a brick of money coming out the other end and need some assistance...keep it to yourself


3) Signs of affection are posted blantantly...like a 14-year-old.
Sharing sweet little notes of affection with your special someone can be quite endearing, however, there is a line...and you should mark that line with orange cones like it's your job. For example, I have a friend and we'll call him Jim. Jim goes to visit said girlfriend in another state (how do i know, well, it's on facebook, d'uh). While there they post messages to EACH OTHER even though they are sharing air space. A typical exchange would be the following:

Jim: I love waking up next to you. XOXOXOX
Girlfriend: You're only in the other room, but I already miss you. XOXOXOX

No, really, I'm not kidding. Once you get over the taste of vomit in your mouth, it's a little hard to be agitated at friends who have clearly found a little happiness. However, most of facebook probably doesn't need/want to know that you both woke up, looked in each others' eyes and talked about your future together for hours. Like a wise woman once said, "put a ring on it" and ride that magical unicorn off of facebook. For those of us who haven't found that perfect mate...you're depressing the shit out of us.


4) Applications, applications, applications.
On any given day I can go on Facebook and have the opportunity to "grow a garden" while wearing my "new flair" and enjoying a gift "drink" because I have "good karma" and sent "a private gift" to the group "save Rawanda/American cancer institute/people for the ethical treatment of ameobas" and didn't want to give them the "easter egg" I just received because I want to show my "Irishness" and "poke" someone instead of "throwing a potato" and ruining my "green patch" for my fight against global warming so send me a "star wars figure" instead.

Listen...I know they're fun, but seriously, save yourself the megabytes and let's just go have a drink.

LOVE!