A Second Helping of Beach Week

Because my vacation at the beach was so amazing, here are some other snippets that I feel are worthy of a reality TV show:

Scene: The beach on a hot sunny day. I have reached the proper level of sweatiness needed to warrant getting in the ocean. My brother and his friends are already in the water, playing around as only guys do. (For those of you who have never met my brother, he is about 6'3'' and jacked). As I make my way out to where they are, a huge wave rears its head. To avoid being pummelled into the ocean floor, I dive into the wave, however, at that same instant, my brother decided to do a full blown back flip. I re-surface clutching my face in disbelief. My brother comes up thinking he hit one of hit friends, only to find that he has jacked his sister in the face and given her an unsightly black eye.

Scene: Lunch break back at the condo. Champ and I walk in, only to find my mom mixing herself a drink...when I say drink, I mean a red party cup full of rum with a splash of Coke for color. She had gone to the drug store to pick up some medicine for my brother, who conveniently got a ridiculous case of poison ivy right before our vacation. While she was out, she went to the grocery store to get a few things. Turns out she not only left the keys in her van, but the van running with the drivers side door WIDE OPEN. Thankfully, the van was still there, nothing was stolen and my brother got his meds. My mom, in complete disbelief, decided that the only way to deal with this situation was to come back to the condo and get hammered at noon.

Scene: Bar crawl night, riding the drunk bus down to the bars. We have just consumed a number of fish bowl margarita's and are on our way to chug a duck. The bus is full of characters and the following happens:

Enter a group of gentleman on Senior Week at the beach, decked out in sailor hats. The last guy gets on the bus sans hat, and someone asks where his hat is. Guy: " Oh, I left my seaman's cap at home, but I have my glasses", Bus Rider: "Seaman's cap? Dude, that's just a condom". Everyone laughs. The Seamen in the back of the bus get a little rowdy, prompting the bus driver to pull over and kick them off. As they are exiting the bus, my dad (with a devilish grin on his face) says "Oh, look, the Seamen are getting ejaculated" and cracks up. Everyone around us is dying and my dad is quite pleased with himself. He makes eye contact with me and says "Honey, I'm sorry, it was inappropriate but I just had to say it! What can I say?"

Scene: On the beach, 4 20-somethings are building a sand castle sans shovels or buckets. Look to the left and see a couple kids watching us. Look past them to their towels, and see some killer shovels, buckets and a fish net. Decide to ask them if they want to help in return for letting them 'help' us build a sandcastle. We then make then dig this ridiculously big moat, get mad when they wreck the bridge, thus destroying our water fluidics system, then decide that the castle in our minds is out of reach, build a huge pyramid and marvel at the mass of sand that was moved. Congratulate ourselves on the following: moving a huge quantity of sand, using 'fuck' freely in front of 6 year olds, and not burying the kids head first into the sand.


Scene: In the condo playing cards with the family and friends. Decide that since there are 7 people, we should play Spoons. My mother, the nurse, thinks it would be better to use plastic forks versus metal spoons on the glass table. This results in an all out brawl, blood was drawn, loyalties betrayed. Just imagining the scene makes me want to put it on film.


LOVE!