Jury Duty Moday/Updates

So, it's a Monday morning, and I'm sitting here waiting for my number to be called to pass judgment on some unfortunately soul. So far, the experience has been pretty uneventful and I have no great stories to report. There are a whole range of characters present here, however, so I don't doubt that by the end of the day, I will have a good morsel to send your way.

To update you dedicated readers on how things have been going lately (because I'm sure you were all going through withdrawal) here are some highlights:

1. My tests all game back clear and there is no threat of cancer in the ladies, which was a huge relief. I did find out, however, that my tumor was so big that they sent it off to a conference to be analyzed by a panel of surgeons. Its nice to know that my "go big or go home" mantra has extended to my abnormal cell growth. That shit runs deep.

1A. I will not be getting implants any time soon. Sorry guys. After much contemplation, I decided to wait till I pop some kids out the cooter before I grant myself the gift of silicone. That being said, its going to take some time before my boob regains its 'normal shape' if it ever will. Until then, its almost as though I have some play-doh in there. It sometimes molds to how I slept or the bra I was wearing, which can be a weird thing to see upon waking up. I tried to mold it into fun things like a smiley face or the profile of Captain Morgan, but apparently its not that pliable. Such is life.

2. Things with Champ are going great, and we are disgustingly adorable that I even hate us sometimes. We went to a wedding in Rhode Island last weekend, and I have to say, aside from Beantown, New England doesn't impress me. I may rant about this later, but lets just say from DC to RI, it should have taken 7 hours....we made it in 11. Both ways. Tragic. In related news, we are negotiating a goal to try and hook up in/around every national monument...I feel that a very patriotic goal. I'll keep you posted on the status of that situation.

3. The guy two rows in front of me in the jury lounge is trying to put the moves on the girl sitting next to him and being very unsuccessful. He keeps staring at her rack and I believe I actually heard him utter the words "Come here often?" She looks extremely uncomfortable, but rather than save her from the situation, I'm going to let it happen.

4. My boss has been keeping steady on the awkward level, and I will report on those issues in a later blog. To give you a preview, there was a flower issue in which I got three arrangements from him and also there were some interesting comments made during my mid-year performance review. After each encounter/comment/glare, I continually ask myself who this happens to?

5. My ass is already tired of sitting in these chairs and I've only been here two hours. Would it be appropriate to get up and do lunges?

6. Schmoozer two rows up gave up on choice #1 and has moved onto another unsuspecting victim. Thank god I put my fake engagement ring on my finger that I wear to work, so hopefully he will steer clear of me. Either that, or I'll just tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, that usually works.

7. Yesterday, I was enjoying a nice day at my condo pool with my friend P-ster. We were having a pleasant conversation, when this unassuming woman walks past and stakes her claim on the chair beside me. I do the polite nod and go on with the conversation. All of a sudden, P-ster stops and says "Please look to your left right now" As I do, what greets my eyes/face? A 50+ cellulite ridden ass, accented by a leopard print g-string. Yes, this woman was wearing g-string bottoms and two slices of chess as a top for her bikini. This type of attire should only be allowed when on a secluded beach or on someone with 0-10% body fat. It completely ruined my pool time afternoon and I had to leave promptly there after. Why would someone expose the public to this?

8. The woman calling juror numbers is way too enthusiastic for her job. I wouldn't be surprised if the next time she comes out to call numbers, she is decked out in a Bayside cheerleader uni, pom-poms and everything chanting out our numbers followed by a good ol' "B, ba-B, ba-ba-ba-B GO BAYSIDE" circa Kelly Kapowski. I wanted to be her so badly in high school...

Alright, thats all I have for today. Look forward to the following blog topics this week:

Momma D's finest moments/why I should be in therapy
Car Flirting
Awkward Boss encounters
Perhaps a guest spot from my favorite DC party girl
The two year itch

And whatever else strikes my fancy.

LOVE!