Sir Bristal of the Hairy Mole Nation

Editor's note: In my last blog, I referred my my friend as "Tyler" when, in fact, I meant to call him "TMF or T-Master Flash". Please note that this is how he will be referenced from here on out.


I love going out with my gals, getting sloppy and making some questionable decisions (hopefully they don't involve contracting STD, waking up next to a bum, or drunk dialing my boss). During out adventures out, we meet some rather interesting people.

I realize, that for a guy, approaching a girl with a group of her friends is very intimidating, however, you do not have to come up with a clever line in order to get us to talk to you. For instance, last weekend, I was sitting on a rooftop deck with some friends, in rather close quarters, and the guy behind me kept bumping into me. He struck up a convo with me and we were joking around. He asked me the obligatory "Do you have a boyfriend/husband/girlfriend" questions to which I replied "no" and he came back with "how is a girl like you still available?" I shrug with a half smile and leave it at that. He then leans in for the hug (which I didn't know we were at that point) and asks if I have a breath mint so he can go make out with his girlfriend....riiight.

At the same bar, we got approached by another gentleman, and the following conversation took place:

Boy: Can you save this table for me while I go get my friends and some drinks?
Me: Sure, no problem
Boy: Well you probably should because I'm a knight
Me(snarfing half my drink): I'm sorry...what?
Boy: I'm a knight. I was sired by Queen Elizabeth herself
Me(blatantly laughing in his face): Right...Do you have a card or something you can show me proof?
Boy: No...
Me: Well do you know how to joust? I'm pretty sure every knight knows how to joust..even Sir. Anthony Hopkins knows how to joust.
Boy: No, I don't know.
Me: Sorry, I can't guarantee that your table will be saved.

He then proceeded to sit down and continue to talk to us, at which point I completely lost interest, my drink was empty and since he wasn't going to buy me a new one, I turned my back on him.

Another amazing pick up story I have is this: I was out with my two partners in crime, enjoying a nice beverage (or ten), when this hobbit struts up to us and says the following:

Hobbit: You girls need to come talk to me and my friends
(drunk) Me: And why should we do that?
Hobbs: Well, we are rich, smart, have great jobs, and are great in bed.
Me: Umm...I'm pretty sure if you have to say you are all those things out loud, chances are you're poor, dumb, and lame in the sack. So, unless there is promise of more drinks, I'm pretty content to stay here at my prime bar seat, conversing with my fellow ladies as to how you could even think that was an acceptable way to pick girls up.

Moral of the story, guys: If you want to talk to a girl at a bar, don't make up some cheesy line (best one I've ever gotten was "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Katie Holmes? Can I be your Tom Cruise?") Just talk to a girl, listen to what she has to say, buy her a drink, and hope that the beer/liquor goggles are thick enough that you have a chance of getting some. And don't even bother with me. The more I drink, the more of a bitch I become, so you'll get 5 words out (2 if there's no drink for me in your hand) before I make some smartass comment and walk away.

LOVE!