Top 10 Peeves of the week:

(disclaimer: These are in no way, meant to be offensive. They are simply things that irritate me on a daily/weekly/hourly basis that I feel you faithful readers need to read about. If you take offense, well, I don't care. I am a bitch.)

1. I HATE when people use toilet seat covers, and then leave them on the seat when they are done. Just as bad as those who piss all over the seat, and leave it that way for the next person. If you feel that your ass cannot touch the actual seat that the rest of us use, what makes you think I want to touch the cover that you so graciously left me? Same with the piss. I know urine is very sterile and all that, however, it doesn't make me want to clean up after you/hover over your dripping. If you hear of me getting fired for popping a squat in the corner of the bathroom because I just can't take the seat covers being left on the toilets, you know it's legit. I want to create a retractable funnel-type apparatus that allows women to pee standing up much like a man, thus avoiding this entire issue.

2. Those bitches that keep winning the daily prizes on womenshealth.com. I really wanted the yoga ensemble or the marmot softshell. But no, Cheryl from Austin, TX and f'in Pam from Oklahoma won those. I try every day, and every day, I win nothing. I get angry, to the point that I want to throw things. I get even more angry when the people that win are within driving distance of me. I almost want to go bitch them out for stealing my prize. The grand prize at the end of the month is a week long stay at a resort on FL. I will take NO prisoners, you hookers! This trip is mine!

3. All drivers. Everywhere. Except me. I could write an entire book about things that I hate about drivers, but here are my top three: 1-Those of you who choose to go 10 under the speed limit. I understand you want to be safe and all that, but the limit is there for a reason, its the minimum speed you HAVE to go on the road that we are currently driving on. Yes, I am the asshole that is riding your ass shouting profanities from the safety of my secured vehicle. 2- those of you who choose not to use a turn signal. They are there for a specific purpose. I am not a mind reader. I don't know that you are going to make a right hand turn in t-minus 3 seconds, a little warning would be helpful. 3- Those of you who like to gradually change lanes. I know this isn't NASCAR, but when you're taking your grand o' time changing lanes, I am contemplating side swiping you with my dent-resistant doors. ( I have severe road rage and will probably end up in the hospital because I got out of my car to bitch out the person that gave me a love tap that also decided to pack some heat that morning. Don't be surprised.)

4. People that lollygagging along the sidewalk, 4-abreast so you have to either bust right on through them or walk on the street in order to pass by. I am a fast walker, and I know not everyone is in a hurry, nor do they truly care that they are encompassing the ENTIRE sidewalk, thus taking me that much longer to reach my destination; however, have some consideration for.

5. Kids on scooters/bikes/roller skates amidst a large crowd of people. Just not a smart thing in general. On the same token, those parents that let their kids run free on the metro, hanging from the bars and what not. I secretly hope that the metro stops short and the kids go flying just to teach their parents a lesson. I don't want the kids to get hurt, just a scare to both them and their parents that perhaps a car moving at 40mph underground isn't the best place for your child's jungle gym experience. (I will be the BEST mother in the world)

6. The DC resident who recently one the 140 billion dollar lottery. I hate your guts. I guarantee that I would have bigger and better plans for that money than you, that you should probably just give it to me. If I had the money I would: buy a beach house and allow my friends/family to stay without charging; open a brewery that would be the bees knees; buy my mom a new spine; give my dad some to finally fix up his mustang; travel with the bro-ski and save the rest. So many people would benefit from me winning, that the district should just give me the money.

7. The Asian mafia at work. I do not mean this to be racist, however, being in the science field, I work with a lot of Asian people, who all choose to speak in their native tongue around other people. This causes me to be extremely paranoid that they are talking about me, especially when they glance my way and make a face.I wish there was some upper-middle-class-white-girl-language that I could use in front of them to make them see how it feels.

8. All the teachers that were on spring break this week while I had to work. I don't hate you...I'm just jealous. Extremely jealous...and bitter, because I've realized that I no longer have a spring break, and that just made me sad.

9. The woman at CVS last night that held everyone up in line at the cash register because she wasn't charged the sale price on rubber gloves. Originally$1.49, sale price $0.99. With 7 people and only one register open, you couldn't bite the 50 cents? What were you hoping to buy with your extra money? A gumball? A condom?

10. The fact that Trader Joe's no longer carries the uncrystallized candied ginger that I absolutely love and devour every day, and replaced it with this stupid ginger chip like things. Not the same. Tear.

Have a great weekend everyone. I will be spending this Easter weekend in the company of my family, celebrating a belated St. Patty's Day, chowing on corned beef and cabbage whilst playing beer pong.

LOVE!